Good News Doctor

Man goes to his Doctor,The Doc says "I've got good news and bad...which do you want first".

"I guess the bad first " he says...

"Well,the bad news is that you have terminal Cancer and about three weeks to Live"

"What could possibly be the good news"

"Did you see my Receptionist,the redhead with the great tits....I'm fucking her!"

Tank

Two fish are in a tank.
One fish says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the road when he felt that the transmission was starting to slip.

Lucky for him, there was a transmission repair shop on the side of the road, so he coasted right up to the service bay and talked to the mechanic about the problem.

The mechanic said he was a little busy but could check it out in a half hour. The penguin said fine, and waddled off to kill some time on the street. A block up the road, he saw a 31 flavors Baskin Robbins store, he went in to get cooled off.

Hey, he's a penguin.

After a little while, he went back to the repair shop, and saw that his car was up on the rack. The mechanic walked out to greet him, and said "Looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin wiped off his mouth and said: "Nope, it's just vanilla ice cream"

Porcupine

How can you tell a porcupine from a BMW?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Lawyer

What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

The sperm has a one-in-a-billion chance to be human.

Vimto

Did you hear about the dyslexic who choked to death on his own Vimto?

Seven dwarves

The seven dwarves were all sitting in the tub feeling happy...

So Happy got out.

Dog Drink

How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender.

Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

Freud

Freud once theorized that every male wishes to sleep with his mother. But that's just gross; Freud's mother must be like 150 years old by now.

Goldfish

Little Cindy is sobbing and filling in a hole in her backyard, occasionally smacking the earth with her shovel. Her neighbor peers over the fence and asks, "Hey Cindy, what are you doing?"

She replies tearfully, "I'm...I'm burying my goldfish."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the neighbor says, "But isn't that a big hole for a goldfish?"

Cindy pats down the last heap of soil, looks up, and says "That's because it's inside your fucking cat."

Marketing Guys

Two marketing guys are in a hot air balloon and quickly get lost. They see an engineer in a convertible stopped by the side of the road, and manage to descend enough to ask for help.

Marketing guy: Hellooo! Can you tell us where we are?

Engineer: You are 52 ft above the ground in a hot air balloon, headed southwest at approximately 2 knots.

Marketing guy: You must be an engineer.

Engineer: How do you know that?

Marketing guy: because I asked you a simple question and you gave me an answer that while technically correct, is completely useless. It gives me no information that I can use to help me find my way back home.

Engineer: You must be in marketing.

Marketing guy: How do you know that?

Engineer: Because I provided the correct answer to the question you asked me, yet you are still lost, and somehow it is my fault.

Gravy ladle

A man invited his aged mother over to dinner at his house one night. During the course of dinner, the mother couldn't help but notice how shapely her son's live in housekeeper was, and became suspicious about their relationship. When she asked her son about it, he assured her that their relationship was purely professional.

Some days after the man's mother had visited for dinner, the housekeeper came to him and said that she could not find the lovely silver gravy ladle, and that it had been missing since the night of his mother's visit. Not wanting to confront his mother directly, the man wrote her this letter: "I'm not saying that you did take the silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you visited for dinner."

Several days later a letter came back from his mother: "I'm not saying that you are sleeping with your housekeeper and I'm not saying that you aren't sleeping with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton and the Queen die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, due to overcrowding, he could only let one of them in. To be fair, he said whomever had the best reason would be allowed to enter into Heaven.

Dolly Parton immediately pulls up her shirt and says, "Well, I think these two are very good reasons."

St. Peter blushes, and the Queen politely shakes her head, saying "I'm sorry, Ms. Parton"

The Queen hikes up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and, using a douche, cleanses herself.

Shaking his head, St. Peter says "Well, I guess that settles it. Go on in, Queen."

"WHAT?!" Dolly screams.

"C'mon Dolly, you should know better," said St. Peter. "A Royal Flush beats a Pair any day."

Eden

God stopped into Eden to see how his lab experiment was doing. Sort of a world sized ant-farm, if you will.

He saw that Adam was building a lean-to for his first residence, and God was happy.

God then looked around for Eve, but she was no where to be seen. When asked, Adam said that Eve had gone down to the water to bathe.

God groaned like thunder..... and he spoke:

Jesus H. Christ, how am I ever going to get that smell out of the fish?

E.T.

What is E.T. short for?

Because he has little legs! Think about it.

Cabbage

What part of a cabbage can't you eat?

The wheelchair

Mobius

Q: why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: to get to the other... oh, wait...

Two Italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
An American woman is sitting across from them. The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first, but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella...

'Mississippi' ."

Fish

what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
...dam

Snakes

Two snakes are lying in the grass.

The first snake asks the second one: "hey, am I poisoneous?"

"I don't know", goes the second snake. "Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my tongue..."

Double-entendre

A beautiful girl walks into a bar,

"Barman, I'd like your finest double-entendre!"

So the barman gave her one.

Butler

A man is travelling on business, and one day calls his wife. The butler answers the phone, and he seems very cagey about where she is. Finally he has to admit that she is upstairs, bonking her lover.
The man is furious, and tells the butler to immediately go and get a rifle from the study, and kill them both. The butler, who for reasons not important and which would destroy the suspension of disbelief required to make jokes work, agrees. There is silence over the phone for a few minutes, then he hears some distant screams and shouting, then some bangs, then silence. Finally the butler comes back on the line.
"Well sir," he says, "I did what you asked, I took a rifle from the study and shot them both point-blank. They are dead."
"Excellent," says the man. "And what did you do with their bodies?"
"I threw them in the lake behind the house", says the butler.
The man says, "What lake behind the house? err... what number is this?"

Moo

Two cows in a field.
One says "Moo"
The other one says "I knew you were going to say that"

Woof!

What's got four legs and goes 'Woof!'?

A cat covered in petrol.

Irishman

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

Birds

Two birds sat on a perch,
One says to the other, can you smell fish?

Musli

Did you hear about the man who drowned in his musli?
Apparently he was pulled under by a strong current.

Superman

Superman is flying around the city, searching for crime. Using his X-ray vision, he peeks in on Wonder Woman's apartment and is pleased to see her lying on her bed, completely naked, eyes closed.

He quickly makes up his mind, and faster than a speeding bullet he swoops in, gives it to her right there on her bed, and swoops out.

Wonder Woman looks up in surprise and exclaims, "What was that?"

"I have no idea," says the Invisible Man, "But my ass is awfully sore."

Dog

Then the is the paranoid, dyslexic, agnostic man who lays awake at night worrying about the existence of the dog.

Dyslexic

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Tractor

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Doctor

Dave, a doctor, slept with one of his patients one day. The next day, Dr. Dave started to feel guilty about what he did the other day, sweating, shivering and just going crazy. Later that day, 2 voices popped up in his head, a good one and a bad one. The good one told him that it's ok to sleep with one of your patients, all doctors do it, doctors have money, so its normal for a doctor to sleep with 1 of his patients. However, the 2nd voice was bad. The 2nd voice said
"Dave, you're a vet..."

Joke?

A midget, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what is this, a joke?"

Pun

A guy read that the local newspaper was holding a joke writing contest. He wrote 10 puns and sent them in, hoping that one of them would win a prize. But alas, no pun in ten did.

Sumo wrestlers

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Carpet

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Disabled toilets

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Divorce

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

Harry Potter

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

Internet Find

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

Granddad Deathbed

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

Pickpocket Dwarf

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

Playing Doctors and Nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"